Informer

BOSTON -- The National Weather Service has issued a heavy snow warning for a wide swath of Massachusetts from 1 p.m. to 11 p.m. Thursday, with 6 to 10 inches possible in eastern and central parts of the state. WBZTV meteorologist Barry Burbank reported "The storm will bring strong winds to the coast and high seas to the marine community. Astronomical tides that need to be watched.Snow. Oh my God the snow. " Boston Mayor Tom Menino asked the local communities " Go make ridiculously long lines at the grocery stores and plan to have all your TV interrupted." It is clear the city will see a severe winter storm with low temperatures, strong winds, and whoa Nelly, the snow. "It has been established that persons will be snowed in and will die and will be returning to life and committing acts of murder. There will be a widespread investigation of funeral homes, morgues, and hospitals. It will be concluded that the unburied dead have been returning to life and seeking human victims. It's hard for us here to be reporting this to you, but it does seem to be a fact. " said Storm Team 5 meteorologist Dick Albert. School closings or delayed openings are expected. Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick warns "Tell the people for God's sake to get off the streets! Tell them to go home and lock their windows and doors up tight! We don't know what kind of murder-happy characters we have here! Snow!!!!" All law enforcement agencies and the military have been organized to search out and destroy the marauding ghouls. The Survival Command Center at the Pentagon has disclosed that a ghoul can be killed by a shot in the head, or a heavy blow to the skull. Officials are quoted as explaining that since the brain of a ghoul has been activated by the radiation, the plan is kill the brain, and you kill the ghoul and please do not throw snow into the streets.